Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in tourmentdsol's LiveJournal:

Thursday, July 5th, 2007
11:07 am	Happy Belated 4th of July to everyone !! I hope yours was as good as mine was. Mine was pretty relaxing for once. I spent it with family, eating, napping and watching my 30 year old cousin act like a 5 year old while putting on about a 3 hour fireworks display in the backyard. It was cool. Although, really after about an hour and a half... it becomes hard to become impressed by any firework that isn't choreographed by a firework engineering team (which is what I'm going to call them). Anyway, I got my period today, which is such a bitch. I've got back spasms, cramps and a generally irritable outlook on people today. I got paid today and I'm almost broke again. Damn real world expenses. I've definately decided to chill out on my purchases and I'm going to start bringing in lunch or getting stuff from the cafeteria instead of eating "the taint" (AKA fast food/restraurant junk) as Kerri would say. Oh !! I've lost like between 20 - 30 pounds in the past few months. So cool (because it was completely unexpected)!! I found out because Suzy wanted to jump on a scale. It's funny because last week I had given up on trying to be healthy because I felt like it wasn't doing anything. I'm a little excited but still not really, it's not that impressive to me. Now, if I could grow a few inches taller THAT would be a cause for celebration. Why is the whole world growing and Christina stays 5'3" ?? I mean, I think I literally have grown an inch since somewhere between elementary and college because I know I was 5'2" since forever. Must have been in college I think. In Mr.Sigler's experiment I was 5'2". God, I miss Sigler <3<3 He's hands down the hottest older man ever. Well... him and Patrick Swayze. (BTW, I'm still sorry about clawing your face Suzy but... it WAS Patrick Swayze. Your should blame Mike.) Anyway, let's see. Oh, that's right. I wanted to bitch about the Washington Gas lady. So, I call Washington Gas this morning since I haven't paid the bill in about 2 months. This is all because I can't *find* the bill with the account number. So I call and tell her my address etc... She asks for my name and I tell her and then I tell her the name on the account which is my grandfather's. She says she can't talk to me she has to talk to him. I tell her good luck he's been dead for almost 25 years. So she said I had to have proof of him dying and send it in before I can have any information changed. I asked but how can I pay the bill ? She ranted on and I hung up. What bullshit.. and I swear it's not the PMS. Although, maybe it is. Oh well, I guess I should go do some busy work to appease my bosses. I think I'm gonna go check out if and where DC has a Czech embassy. Maybe until my trip I'll trying to study that and german, instead of japanese. Why can I not be so fickle all the time ?? I had a conversation with my mom about lots of things last night. We talked about my friends, my interests and how I have such a hard time identifying myself since everything I do/like are at such extremes. My friends for instance are all so different. They all tend to have such different interests/personalities. I even act different around each of them in terms of if I'm more dominant/submissive/goofy/serious/talkative/quiet. The weird thing is when I'm around most of them I still feel like I'm being myself. I mean, I go through phases a lot. Some where I want to be serious and mature. Others where I want to have fun and act like I'm five. My mother has a hard time when she sees me like that because in my family I've always played the role of the mature child. The thing is, that even though now I think of it as a role, as a kid I never thought of it like that. I think I was a mature kid for the most part all the time. Now that I'm older, I feel like sometimes that's just so exhausting. I get tired of being responsible all the time. Plus I think the fact that I'm almost 23 is kind of freaking me out because I know really my adulthood status will be a permanent thing in the next few years. lol. It's kind of like I'm having my midlife crisis early. All of a sudden I just want to have fun and enjoy my youth and not worry so much ALL the time like I used to about everything. The problem that remains is the inner me that feels so guilty about abandoning the way I've been all my life. I'm metally on this see-saw all the time. I'm so confused because I thought right before I left Tampa that I had finally figured myself and my life out. What is going on with me, I wonder sometimes. Half the time, I don't even know what to do with myself. Losing grandma, my rock, the one that grounded me and whoalways reminded me who I really was, has just confused me. It's funny to me that my mother swears she's never seen this "immature" side of me before and when I think back with my grandmother I remember so much of that. I remember the laughing about silly things, the long talks about more serious topics, that twinkle in her eyes, how I'd always bite her nose because she hated it, how I'd just lay in bed and she'd hold me and I felt like everything would be ok. I think that's what I miss the most. That and that twinkle. What I wouldn't give to get those back. I'm so confused anymore. What am I supposed to do ? Where am I supposed to go from here ? How did this so suddenly get so hard ?? I swear a few months ago, I was handling my life so much better. Now, it feels like it's just emotionally spun so far out of control. I don't think I realized that I loved her so much. If only I had gotten more time to appreciate it. The question is, would any amount of time ever have been enough ?? I doubt it. I'd be as much of a wreck if she died when I was 60 as I would have been now. This is going to be such a hard one. Well, I guess I should try to focus on work since the secretary Debbie, came in with my paycheck on one of my crying fits. Talk about awkward. I guess I'll try not to frighten and make everyone in my office feel uncomfortable in one day. ...Best to draw it out over time. Until later. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 10th, 2007
11:31 pm	too little, too late... Life is such crap sometimes. Things never turn out the way I expect them to. ::sigh:: I'm fulltime now at Borders so I get to see my mom even less. I did get a slight raise though which makes things a bit better I guess. On the downside I do work more which means I get less time with mom than ever... although when I'm home I generally stay in my room by myself anyway. Life has been so hard lately. At work and at home my brain's on autopilot, and I feel like I'm just going through the motions of everything. Tonight I saw a friend of mine that I've known since 5th grade. She's such a great person. I love her. Talking with her just reminded me of grandma though. So, I've just been continuously crying for the past 30 minutes. I was telling her what happened which meant I had to think about it. I haven't done that in such a long time. It's so hard to deal with. I just keep picturing her the day she went to the hospital and then her when she died. Remembering how I felt when she threw up all the blood and being all by myself. How weak she was... I just miss her so much sometimes. I think I haven't been so upset lately because in the back of my mind I think that at somepoint I'll wake up and this will all have been a dream. I guess being away from her for so long makes me think mentally that maybe I'll see her again in a few months. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone to Florida. The past 4 years I've really missed out on having her around and now she's gone and I'll never have that chance again. That's so much time that I'll never get back. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten her since we were apart for so long. I was reading her calendar the otherday and I saw all the doctor's appointments in the past two years. At school I didn't understand all she was going through and I didn't really try to. I should have been here with her through it all. I feel like I was so selfish. Why did I have to run away from everything ? I guess it's too late to worry about that now. ....I don't wish she was still here or anything because I know she was suffering. I know she hated losing her independence, but... I feel so empty anymore. I feel like a hollow-shell of who I used to be. She was such a big part of my life. I miss that love, that smile, that twinkle she always had in her eye when she looked at me and that amazingly warm embrace that made me feel that everything would be alright. I'd give me life for one of those hugs right now. On top of everything else the top half of my body's been covered in hives for the past 3 days. I can't get it to go away. One more thing to be thankful for. It's simple things like that which sometimes destroy all feelings I have that god may exist. If he did then why would he let so many horrible things happen ? Plus look at the story of Job, What kind of omnipotent being would fuck with a devout person just for the hell of it ? If he does exist I feel like he's such an ass. What is the point of all the suffering ? Religion's something I just don't have to fall back on... though I hope for grandma's sake there is something else. I'm gonna go. I'm done for the evening. Please don't patronize me by giving me any sympathy. I'm not in the mood tonight. Current Mood: sad Current Music: jojo - too little, too late (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 12th, 2004
1:26 pm	I never use this except to comment on people. here's my real webjournal. If I get ratted out by anyone though.... you will die. http://www.xanga.com/Tourmentdsol Current Mood: crazy (Comment on this)